I dont get it

I have been feeling all sorts of feeling I feel sad, mad, angry, confused and I don't like it I cant stand it I cant get in to see a med doctor because it will take three months and i am on a whole bunch of waiting list.. My regular Doctor told me yesterday that he is not giving me any more prescriptions from my Bipolar and or for my anxiety which i don't know why.. I think i really need to get a new regular Doctor because mine wicked s*cks.. today has been really hard for me I had a wicked bad dream last night and i did not get much sleep i don't know if my lamictal is working and i def know that the kolatapins are not working i have been taking antihistamine with it so that i can make it threw a work day without crying some days i am OK and others i feel like a big emotional mess.. at times i don't think i have bipolar all the doctors i have seen think so i thinks its because my grandmother had it and my uncle and both of my cousins do also.. i don't have racing thoughts and i DON'T want to kill my self and i DON'T want to kill anyone else I just feel lost and i feel like my head is going one way then the other and i keep thinking about things and i just cant stop and relax that's how it feel in my head... when i am at home i don't go on cleaning spears i wish someone could understand and help me threw my mom really has no clue what to do or say and she tries so hard to help but she just ends up making me so mad... well i hope someone can help me and give some advice because i feel so alone and lost and don't know were to turn or what to do...

everyone who has bipolar always goes back and forth with thinking they are fine and then knowing that they have bipolar,, i was told i have the worse case of bipolar because my modes change all the time and they say i have trauma from when i was a child and a little of OCD because i am a clean freak I have had bipolar since i was 14-16 not sure when it started i could of had it when I was born i was a wicked druggie when i was younger i did x and i tripped on acid and smoke a lot of weed and i did coke and tried crack once.. i don’t know if that’s the reason why my bipolar came out of or if it was because i was a teenager.. well i am 25 now and it keeps coming back i have been on and off meds my reg doctor that i see just found out i have bipolar like 3 years ago because i had a wicked melt down and since then he wont give me meds even for my asthma i just was wondering if you guys docs do they same thing? also i am having a wicked hard time finding a med doctor because the demon just came back again (meaning my bipolar) I have been off my meds for and 1-2 years and all of a sudden i broke down again.. finally i have realized that i need to stay on my meds.. I don’t know why i am even writing any of this on here i guess it just feels good to express how i feel to people that don’t know me..

Today and how I feel

Hello today is a better day I think that the other pills i was taking that were two years old did not have the full strength.. last night i went and got my new prescription and today i don't feel sad i feel a little screwed up like my head feels fuzzy.. My step dad gave me the money to pick up my pills it cost $67.00 dollars I thank god that he gave me the money because I was feeling really down and out yesterday and I did not have any energy to do anything.. I just hope that this fuzzy feeling goes away.. I work with this girl who is going threw a lot with her mom her mother has cancer in her lungs and i feel so bad for her but i never know what to say to her because there is nothing that i can say to fix her mom or make her feel any better and it wicked stinks.. Brad for some reason has been being a kinda jerk to my daughter well i should say he has been disciplining her not hitting her but telling her no and telling her to behave and it is kinda getting to me because when he does it he is mean about it i wicked want to punch him every time he is like that to her.. I think i am funny i keep losing my train of thought and write about all different things lol.. Work is so boring right now I have nothing to do and the phone is not ringing.. This weekend I have my friend stephine's baby shower and I have no clue what i am going to get her.. oh yea me and my daughter are switching bed rooms i am getting a new bed set and i am giving her mine.. so i have to take apart her bed set and bring a lot of the furniture down stairs which i am kinda nervous that stuff is going to get broken well we will see i am going to have to move everything tonight so brad will do all the moving tomorrow because i have to go to the shower he better not give me any shit about it because it's my house.. well i don't know i guess i will end for now...

My Bipolar is taking over me

I feel like I am losing all control of my emotions and I feel like i am losing all my friends and it seems like every one hates me.. I feel so alone and I don't know what to do.. i am taking medicine and they just don't seem to be working.. I feel like my life is falling apart and i have no control.. I have a good job making OK money I have a great boyfriend and my daughter is my life.. I have been getting along with my mom i really have no reason for any of these problems to be happening.. I know that bipolar comes and goes and reacts to everyone differently but why now.. I feel weird around a lot of people and at work i think people are talking about me i don't know if they really are but i think they are.. today i seen my dad he always makes me feel better but today i told him that i missed him because i have not seen him since Christmas eve and he didn't say anything.. and he tells me he loves me but when were together he doesn't hug me or talk about anything that matters to me he talks about his work and my sister that i never seen and how she is just like me.. and that she acts just like me when i was a little kid and about how how is spoils her because he never got the chance to do anything for me.. he asks about my daughter but he really doesn't care.. I feel bad for my mother she doesn't know how to deal with the fact that my bipolar is back i can tell she is scared for me and that she knows that the demon is back and she knows i cant control it.. my mother has gone threw so much with me and my issues i don't want her to have to go threw it again.. She doesn't relies that when she says i am going bipolar again that it hurts or when she calls me crazy.. I hate being like this but i have no control.. All day at work i try to not cry but it is so hard i feel like crying all the time and i think some people can sense something is wrong with me so they keep their distance and it bothers me so much.. I have so much on my mind.. Jaqulynne's father is being a wicked dick not paying child support and he does not relies that I so had it and if he keeps messing with me i am going to take him back to court and make him pay for Jaqulynne's health insurance and wicked screw him over.. lets see what else is bother me I am my period so bad I just keep bleeding.. I just want to sleep all the time because that's the only time i have no worries and i am not crying i cry my self to sleep.... well i guess i will end for now i hope that i will have a better day tomorrow

A Day At The Zoo Sat 5/16/09

A day at the zoo it was suppose to be a Family day being me Brad and Jackie (my lil angel) it ended up being me and my mom and Jackie and Justinna (my lil sister).. Me and Jackie went to dance in the morning and I got a call from my mom saying she wanted to go to the zoo with me and Jackie and so I knew Brad was going to be working late so I said yea why not.. We had such a good day it cost a lot of money but it was a great day we went and seen some animals then we ate lunch and then we walked around and seen more animal's and we went to the gift shops.. I got Jackie and little wolf and my mom got justinna some barnacles and me and my mom got candy.. It was a really good day and the kids had a blast

Her 1st time going on the duck boats Sat 5/16/09

She was a little drill Sargent yelling hurry mommy we have to beat Grandma and Justinna.. and of course we did beat them with no help from her lol she is so funny..

My Little Princess ..

She is my world.. I don't think I will ever find another love like her.. She makes my heart melt every time she says mommy.. She is my pride and joy.. I thank god all the time that I have her she is my angel sent from above..I remember when she was in my belly and I felt her first move It was the weirdest feeling it was like a butterfly was flying in my belly.. If she only knew how happy and complete she makes me.. I never thought I could ever love anyone the way I love her.. She is getting so big and she is growing up so fast..

I think that this pic is wicked cool

This is how I feel at times

BAD DAY

Hello well today has been a really bad day I cant stand anyone.. I really miss my father and I wish I was able to see him more.. My daughter's father (Ryan) is bringing all these bad feelings that I have kept hidden and tucked away back up about my father and I don't know how to handle it! Ryan has been being such a bad father since day one and it's always an excuse and he is really starting to up set me I don't get why he just cant be normal and help me out with the baby and pay his child support and be a good father I don't think that is hard at all he just really needs to wake up and grow up because he is missing out on my daughter and she knows who is their and is not their and when she gets older she is not going to want anything to do with him and she will prob tell him off and I will be like I told you so I really hope that he does grow up and be a man and the father that he should be I know he never will but it is always good to have hope..